A life of contradiction

My parents were divorced when I was 5. Their divorce was not a big event in my life because I don't ever remember them being married. It was normal to me to spend the weekends with my dad and trade out holidays between parents/families.

What did impact my life was the total and complete dissimilar lives I had with each parent. Both of my parents started seeing other people pretty early on and each went onto be with those partners for many years.

Life with my mom was simple. Ok, so, we were poor. We moved from place to place often as the financial situation changed. My father, on the other hand, was not poor. While my life at mom's was about paper plates and peanut butter, life at my dad's house was laid out on china and filled with caviar. The only real similarity between my two worlds were that both of my parents were committed to alcoholics.

What am I getting at here? I don't know. When my family and I moved over seas, it was so scary. We had no idea what we were doing, how it was going to turn out or if we would survive doing it. We sold everything we had, packed up 8 suitcases and set out on a new adventure. AND IT WAS FANTASTIC.

I miss our life. I miss our friends. I miss my job and the respect I received for doing that job. Being home, I feel worthless and insignificant. I am embarrassed to tell people what I do for a living. I feel like I need to wear a t-shirt that advertises my degree so people know I am better than what I actually do. I feel so shallow.

I wear designer clothes and drive a nice car but can't pay my rent. I can't share what we are going through with anyone in my daily life because it is just too difficult. How can I go to the State and ask for assistance while carrying a designer hand bag (that I've had since I was in 11th grade - aka: since the dawn of time)? How can I justify taking a hand out (that we really desperately need) when I am wearing a $1500 tennis bracelet (that was an anniversary gift 3 years ago)? I am not willing to give up these material possessions. They are reminders of a better life and a happier time. In some sad stupid little way, they give me hope. Hope that we will be in that situation again and this time will do things differently.

I've lived a life of contradiction since I was 5, so why is it so difficult to do now? Why do I feel like I need to justify myself to everyone I meet? I hate this life. I don't want to do this anymore.

This post is so schizophrenic. Sorry. Just trying to get some of this shit out of my head.