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Friday, March 28, 2014

How can you tell me this is meant to be?

You know the old adage, "Things happen for a reason?" I've been a big believer in that idea and I've stuck to it for many years for many situations only now, I cant believe it.

Why would this happen? Why would the universe want to fuck someone over so badly?

Our oldest son is gifted. I don't expect everyone to understand this, but he plays rugby like an angel. He took to the sport like a fish to water and it seems to run in his veins. He was selected to play on the USA U-17 National team and travel to Portugal and Paris to represent his country playing the sport he loves.  Then he was injured.  He hurt his neck.  His arms and hands go numb every time he tackles someone or applies pressure on his should. It is a nerve injury and it is not getting better.  No amount of rest is making it better.  Nothing is making it better.  He is not going to Portugal and France.  His other team mates are but he is not.

Why? What the fuck did we do to the universe to piss it off like this? Really?

This is affecting his entire life. He doesn't care any more.  About anything. His grades are slipping. He's gone from a 4.3 GPA to a 3.6 and he doesn't care. His entire life is hanging in the balance right now and there are no answers.

Fuck you universe. Just fuck you. You promised me that if I was a good person, got an education, and took some risks that our lives would be good.  That we would be happy and that we would be successful. You lied.  Fuck you.

Why are you messing with him? He had the world in his hands and he was just about to seize it and you did this to him.  Fuck you universe.  Why is this happening?  He's an awesome kid and you are shitting on him.  He's finally giving up.  Are you happy? Bitch. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Letting go of surprising feelings

From the time I was 5 years old until I was 18, I grew up in a mixed family.  My parents were divorced when I was 5, and my father lived with his partner.  It was normal to me.  As a child, I thought my father's partner, "James", was glamorous and special.  He wore jewelry and drove a pretty car.  I loved him so much.  

When I turned 13, I left my mom and moved to live with my dad and James full time.  I grew up in a nice house, in an affluent neighborhood, had a car at 16, and never wanted for anything.  It looked like a perfect life from the outside looking in.  What was not visible was the fact that James was a raging alcoholic and a destructive verbal abuser.  He was a verbal abuser even when he was sober but it was much worse when he was drunk, which was 80% of the time.  He destroyed me with his acid words, telling me I was lazy, and fat.  I was hospitalized for 6 months as a result of anorexia.  I graduated high school weighing a whopping 89 pounds.  I was fat.  He tore me down for years and years - even as a young child. When I was older his verbal abuse turned physical because I liked to provoke him.  I was waiting for my chance to beat the crap out of him.  In my mind, in my 89 pound glory, I was going to bludgeon a 200 pound man unto submission. It was my only fantasy for about 3 years.  

He and my father separated shortly after I graduated high school.  It was not pretty.  James made it very difficult for everyone involved but once it was finalized, we went our separate ways.  My father took a job over seas to physically separate himself I moved to the other side of town, only to have James follow me.  I was able to keep away from him by staying busy and not being available for visits then my husband and I were offered a job in a new state.  We jumped on it and left.  

We lived for several years without contact and then I had my first child.  For some reason, I felt the need to contact James and visit him with my new beautiful baby.  We met in public with mutual friends and it was actually nice, so I gave him our phone number.  

When my second child was born, James decided to call us in the middle of the night to tell me what a terrible mother I would be because I grew up in a broken family and didn't know what a real family was supposed to look like.  It was a horrible conversation that left me in a depression for weeks.  

I changed my phone number and relayed a message through mutual friends to James that I never wanted to hear from him again and that if he tried to contact me, I would call the police.  I never heard from him again.  

It's been 23 years since I have heard his voice.  Sometimes my dad and I will talk about him and what we've heard about him from mutual friends but it's usually a short conversation.  I am not sure either of us really know how to feel about him at this point then last night something weird happened.  I was talking to my dad and he told me that James's brother died but I heard that James had died.  So, here I am on the phone with my dad and my brain thinks that James has died.  I expected to feel relief and peace that this rotten human being has finally been removed from the earth, but I wasn't.  I cried and my heart hurt.  When I regained my composure, I asked my dad some additional questions then realized that it was the brother that has died.  I felt ashamed that I actually felt remorse for the man that abused me for so many years.  I was so angry that my emotions would betray me like that.  I am still trying to deal with what it will be like when he actually dies.  I don't want to feel any emotion for him.  I don't want to waste any of my life energy on him or give him any more power than he has already taken from me.  

Tonight I will me meditating on it and will release his memory into the universe.  I don't want him weighing on my life one second longer.  

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it

Someone said something today that made me smile inside.  She said, "I am in awe of your wife all the time." (She said ti to my husband, whom I work with.)

At the time, I heard it, but never acknowledged it.  I was busy (as is usual).  Now that I have had an opportunity to unwind though, I am honored.  I hope I remember to tell her thank you tomorrow.

It is so important to express to those we admire (for whatever reason) the fact that they inspire us.  It is good for both souls.

It is difficult for women to accept compliments and this year, I have tried very hard to acknowledge compliments and be grateful and appreciative of them and the people giving them.  So many times someone will express how lovely we look and our typical response is "Ugh, I wish I were (insert self depreciating comment here)", or we feel the need to repay the compliment thereby sounding fake and insincere.  This year, I tried to change that in myself.

It took a while to stop the internal recorder and it was very uncomfortable at first, but I learned to say "Thank you" and mean it.  Eventually, I started to believe the compliments!  Wow!  Imagine that!  Try it!  Take the next week and accept each compliment that comes your way without squirming, counter arguing, or feeling obligated to return a compliment.  It is surprising how you will feel.


Sunday, September 29, 2013

It's all going by so fast and it's as exciting as hell!

Our oldest is 15 and a Junior in High School.  Yes, he's an overachiever.  He skipped 1st grade then when we transferred back to the states from over seas, he was placed into 8th grade instead of 7th. Despite being younger than his classmates, he still excels in everything he does so when we got the invitation for him to try out for the So Cal Select Side Rugby team this past summer, we weren't that surprised.  

He made that team and went off to Colorado and Canada to play rugby and had an absolute ball, but unbeknownst to us, his talents were being observed from afar.  Early Wednesday morning last week, while I was away on a business trip, my husband's, my son's, and my email in-box received a message. In my groggy 6:30AM had too much wine last night fog brain, I glanced at my phone, didn't recognize the name of the person that sent the message and thought "Oh goodie, another advertisement from a company that I didn't sign up for!", I rolled over and didn't think much more of it. Until my phone rang. It was my girlfriend who also has an insanely talented son and the first words out of her mouth were, "I saw Ian's name on the list!  Did you read the e-mail?!?!?"  Erm....good morning to you too and....what?

I sat up in bed, rubbed my eyes, grabbed my computer and check my email.  The message I had received was from the High School All American Rugby Team.  Ian was being invited to their camp in a few weeks.  This is the precursor to being invited to try out for the team!  Ian is being looked at as a High School All American rugby player!  

We've been riding on this high for a couple of weeks now.  We've talked to Ian about being extra careful playing Football so he doesn't injure himself before the HSAA season begins.  

We've also been doing a lot of college research and registering for PSATs and SATs and talking about timelines and first picks, second picks, etc.  It's a daunting process, trying to navigate through application and deadline processes and then add financial aide and scholarship possibilities to the mis and it is possible our heads just might explode in the next 6 months.  

Then I was at work this week and i got another one of those mystery emails making my phone vibrate cross my desk.  The subject line was UCLA Rugby.  Hmm...what can that be?  Probably another camp opportunity our head coach wants me to forward out to everyone.  I decided to check it anyway.  

It wasn't from our head coach.  It was from the head coach of Bruins Rugby.  He was asking if Ian would be interested in attending UCLA and letting us know if it was something we wanted to pursue, he could probably help Ian get there.  I'm sorry, what?!?! I think I may have let out a little squeal, but I am really not sure.  We responded with a request for more information and a meet and greet with the UCLA team.  We'll see what happens.  

Until then, we are over the moos proud of this young man.  Remember his name.  It will be in lights some day, I promise.  

Monday, June 17, 2013

Watching something surreal come to life before my eyes

I have no idea if anyone that actually knows us is still reading this sad little blog, so I will explain as if they are not.  

My husband and I have three kids.  Two boys, one girl.  All three of our kids play the sport of Rugby, but our oldest so, who is 15, doesn't just PLAY Rugby, he BREATHES Rugby.  I think he may even whisper "my ball" in his sleep, which is something his team mates came up with as a motivator for the awesomeness that he exudes on that field.  

He was out last season due to knee surgery and he watched his best friend try out for and be selected to participate on the All American team.  He was so proud of his friend but completely shattered because he knew he should have been on that team too.  He spent his entire 3 month recovery focusing on the All American team this season.  He even requested that his physical therapist work on new exercises to incorporate his rugby ball so he could work on his ball handling skills while exercising his knee.  

All the while, this young man attended every Rugby practice, every Football practice and maintained his GPA at a 4.0 or higher.  

He ran onto the field in January a little slower and somewhat timid after being out of the game for a season.  We were worried that he had lost his spark.  It took him about 4 games before we started to see that confidence back in his eyes, then one of his team mates died suddenly.  It was devastating, but they played a game that weekend and although it was a game played on emotion rather than skill, they won and they left it all on the field that day.  That is when he got his spark back.  

He is one of the best Locks in the Nation and he rarely misses a throw in from a line-out.  His team mates call him Thor because he brings the hammer.  

He just got home from a National Rugby tournament where he played on the All Star Southern California Rugby Team and they won every game.  They scored a total of 125 points and only allowed 5 points to be scored against them.  At this tournament, our son was selected on the all Tournament Team (the imaginary "dream team" selected by the All-American Coaches).  We will find out by the 19th if he was selected to play  on the National Stars and Stripes Team.  

This is all moving so quickly.  It is very exciting and scary all at once.  He just finished his Sophomore year of High School at #16 in his class with a 4.3 GPA and now this.  We are kind of shell shocked.  Life is so very surreal right now.