I may be cursed

Holy mother of bat shit craziness...........why can people NOT eat without making so much freaking noise? I am going INSANE. I just want to scream "Eat you fucking food quietly!"

But I can't.

Alas, I sit quietly and endure my torture.

I come up with the best stuff.....

I think of my blog all the time and I have a ton of great posts in my head and more find their way in there every day. However, I never have the time to get them typed! Or, by the time I have the time to type the words, I have forgotten what I wanted to say.

Ho hum.

So, my brother is getting married for the fourth time tomorrow. Congrats, I hope.

It is overcast and cool here in southern California and it has been this way for several days now. I don't understand how people that live in overcast climates can stand it. 4 days of this shit, and I am ready to slit my wrists and head butt the first person that pisses me off.

Did you guys know that the word "like" is still widely overused in southern California by people of all ages? It is like, super annoying.

Anyway..... I am super boring today. So sorry. I'll stop torturing you.

I used to be funny

I swear I need to invent some sort of EMP device that I can punish all the shitty drivers with. Until that time, I just scream at them from inside my car therefore temporarily looking like an completely insane woman on my drive to and from work. If I notice someone has actually seen me screaming at the idiot in front of me, I pretend like I am on my hands free phone, smile and nod my head at them. By the time I pull into my driveway, I am so fed up that even when the hot doctor across the street smiles and waves at me all I can think of is flipping him off (but I don't!).

Stress sucks. There is hopefully another job prospect for my husband. He has what could be a pretty lucrative digital production business if we could just figure out some investors to get it started. I don't remember how all that works. It seems when we moved overseas, my brain turned to mush and it hasn't reconstituted yet.

It is totally cool that dad is home with the kids though. Now that they are home for Christmas break, he is taking them to the library and doing cool things with them. I can barely get in the door and set my bag down before I am being bombarded with tales of their day! I love being a mom to these kids and a wife to that wonderful man. It makes all the other crap seem not so bad.

~ JAM

A life of contradiction

My parents were divorced when I was 5. Their divorce was not a big event in my life because I don't ever remember them being married. It was normal to me to spend the weekends with my dad and trade out holidays between parents/families.

What did impact my life was the total and complete dissimilar lives I had with each parent. Both of my parents started seeing other people pretty early on and each went onto be with those partners for many years.

Life with my mom was simple. Ok, so, we were poor. We moved from place to place often as the financial situation changed. My father, on the other hand, was not poor. While my life at mom's was about paper plates and peanut butter, life at my dad's house was laid out on china and filled with caviar. The only real similarity between my two worlds were that both of my parents were committed to alcoholics.

What am I getting at here? I don't know. When my family and I moved over seas, it was so scary. We had no idea what we were doing, how it was going to turn out or if we would survive doing it. We sold everything we had, packed up 8 suitcases and set out on a new adventure. AND IT WAS FANTASTIC.

I miss our life. I miss our friends. I miss my job and the respect I received for doing that job. Being home, I feel worthless and insignificant. I am embarrassed to tell people what I do for a living. I feel like I need to wear a t-shirt that advertises my degree so people know I am better than what I actually do. I feel so shallow.

I wear designer clothes and drive a nice car but can't pay my rent. I can't share what we are going through with anyone in my daily life because it is just too difficult. How can I go to the State and ask for assistance while carrying a designer hand bag (that I've had since I was in 11th grade - aka: since the dawn of time)? How can I justify taking a hand out (that we really desperately need) when I am wearing a $1500 tennis bracelet (that was an anniversary gift 3 years ago)? I am not willing to give up these material possessions. They are reminders of a better life and a happier time. In some sad stupid little way, they give me hope. Hope that we will be in that situation again and this time will do things differently.

I've lived a life of contradiction since I was 5, so why is it so difficult to do now? Why do I feel like I need to justify myself to everyone I meet? I hate this life. I don't want to do this anymore.

This post is so schizophrenic. Sorry. Just trying to get some of this shit out of my head.

I've been on my knees

When we left the Middle East, I turned and looked into my empty home where we made a life for 6 years and with tears streaming down my face, I asked the Universe to please have a plan for us. If I had known that this current life was that plan, I would have wished for the plane to crash on the way here.

What the fuck did we do to the Universe to be left like this? Positive thoughts, prayers, networking...it's all bull shit.

I think he is sick and by his not getting this job, I fear that his health will really decline. I am so freaking scared. I can't pay our rent at the end of this month. Forget Christmas.