Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Will it Ever Get Better?

Some days I fantasize about being single.  I dream about being able to eat better and loose weight, not feeling guilty because I am doing something for myself, not having to answer a hundred questions when I sigh, having happy kids that enjoy being home....

I don't even like being home anymore, but I have no where to go.  I try to cheer him up - to get him to see the brighter side of....everything, but he's just a grouch.  From the tone in his voice to the scowl on his face.  It's like he hates everything about us; everything about life.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Y'all probably think I am an ogre

I really am a happy person.  Don't get me confused with a bitter woman by my posts here.  I am, in reality, one of those annoying people that is always smiling and sees the positive in most situations and people.  The thing is, I only post here when something is bothering me.

See, I don't have a big friend base to bounce these things off of.  I have a few friends, but not the call up and vent kind of friends.  The one that I do have is in a different time zone and my kids and husband would not allow me the privacy to have a venting session even if I could get my brain to remember to call her at a decent hour.  I am sure others will say I can call on them, but I am not comfortable enough with that yet.

I have a rule about my husband.  I don't complain about him to others.  I think that people that talk badly about their significant others in public are petty and hypocritical.  If I've got a problem with my husband, I tell him.  We discuss it and make adjustments and then move on.  That is, until he got sick. Now, it seems like every time I find issue with his actions or words, I am being unreasonable and blaming him or accusing him of being a jerk (his words, not mine).

BUT tonight.....I am irritated!  Damn it, I am just so freaking irritated!  I am days away from taking my real estate exam.  I am in the middle of a major career change at the age of 40.  I am doing it because at the age of 40, I have never owned a home.  I want to own a home.  I also want to be able to provide a better life for my family, to be there for them when I need to be, and to be able to have my husband (who has a life long illness) work from home.

For the next 48-hours, I am in study mode.  I am taking a cram course in order to pass my exam in 4 days.  I am nervous as hell, worried as shit, and just overall insecure.  My course is a webinar and runs from 8:30am - 5PM today and tomorrow.  Today, he took the kids and went to grandpa's to ensure that I had no interruptions.  It was perfect except that the class ran over so when they all showed up at 5:30, I was still working.  He got irritated.

During my lunch break today, I had extra time, so I decided to clean the bathroom.  I ran out of time before cleaning the shower so I sprayed cleaner all over the shower then went back to class.  OK, I forgot about it.  He got irritated.

When I finished class today, I poured myself a drink.  Three quarters through my drink, he asks me to go get pizza.  When I held up my empty glass, he got pissed because he had also had a drink so neither of us could go. He got irritated (at me!).

Seriously dude?  Whatever.  I try to remind myself that his diseases cause psychological issues.  I try to remind myself that this is not really him, but it gets old.  So fucking old.  Some days I just want to leave for a while.  Just to be free of the negativity for a hot minute, but I can't.  What kind of person would I be if I did that?  Besides, where the hell would I go?  LOL!  Oh well.  Such is life.

JAM

Friday, March 28, 2014

How can you tell me this is meant to be?

You know the old adage, "Things happen for a reason?" I've been a big believer in that idea and I've stuck to it for many years for many situations only now, I cant believe it.

Why would this happen? Why would the universe want to fuck someone over so badly?

Our oldest son is gifted. I don't expect everyone to understand this, but he plays rugby like an angel. He took to the sport like a fish to water and it seems to run in his veins. He was selected to play on the USA U-17 National team and travel to Portugal and Paris to represent his country playing the sport he loves.  Then he was injured.  He hurt his neck.  His arms and hands go numb every time he tackles someone or applies pressure on his should. It is a nerve injury and it is not getting better.  No amount of rest is making it better.  Nothing is making it better.  He is not going to Portugal and France.  His other team mates are but he is not.

Why? What the fuck did we do to the universe to piss it off like this? Really?

This is affecting his entire life. He doesn't care any more.  About anything. His grades are slipping. He's gone from a 4.3 GPA to a 3.6 and he doesn't care. His entire life is hanging in the balance right now and there are no answers.

Fuck you universe. Just fuck you. You promised me that if I was a good person, got an education, and took some risks that our lives would be good.  That we would be happy and that we would be successful. You lied.  Fuck you.

Why are you messing with him? He had the world in his hands and he was just about to seize it and you did this to him.  Fuck you universe.  Why is this happening?  He's an awesome kid and you are shitting on him.  He's finally giving up.  Are you happy? Bitch. 

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Letting go of surprising feelings

From the time I was 5 years old until I was 18, I grew up in a mixed family.  My parents were divorced when I was 5, and my father lived with his partner.  It was normal to me.  As a child, I thought my father's partner, "James", was glamorous and special.  He wore jewelry and drove a pretty car.  I loved him so much.  

When I turned 13, I left my mom and moved to live with my dad and James full time.  I grew up in a nice house, in an affluent neighborhood, had a car at 16, and never wanted for anything.  It looked like a perfect life from the outside looking in.  What was not visible was the fact that James was a raging alcoholic and a destructive verbal abuser.  He was a verbal abuser even when he was sober but it was much worse when he was drunk, which was 80% of the time.  He destroyed me with his acid words, telling me I was lazy, and fat.  I was hospitalized for 6 months as a result of anorexia.  I graduated high school weighing a whopping 89 pounds.  I was fat.  He tore me down for years and years - even as a young child. When I was older his verbal abuse turned physical because I liked to provoke him.  I was waiting for my chance to beat the crap out of him.  In my mind, in my 89 pound glory, I was going to bludgeon a 200 pound man unto submission. It was my only fantasy for about 3 years.  

He and my father separated shortly after I graduated high school.  It was not pretty.  James made it very difficult for everyone involved but once it was finalized, we went our separate ways.  My father took a job over seas to physically separate himself I moved to the other side of town, only to have James follow me.  I was able to keep away from him by staying busy and not being available for visits then my husband and I were offered a job in a new state.  We jumped on it and left.  

We lived for several years without contact and then I had my first child.  For some reason, I felt the need to contact James and visit him with my new beautiful baby.  We met in public with mutual friends and it was actually nice, so I gave him our phone number.  

When my second child was born, James decided to call us in the middle of the night to tell me what a terrible mother I would be because I grew up in a broken family and didn't know what a real family was supposed to look like.  It was a horrible conversation that left me in a depression for weeks.  

I changed my phone number and relayed a message through mutual friends to James that I never wanted to hear from him again and that if he tried to contact me, I would call the police.  I never heard from him again.  

It's been 23 years since I have heard his voice.  Sometimes my dad and I will talk about him and what we've heard about him from mutual friends but it's usually a short conversation.  I am not sure either of us really know how to feel about him at this point then last night something weird happened.  I was talking to my dad and he told me that James's brother died but I heard that James had died.  So, here I am on the phone with my dad and my brain thinks that James has died.  I expected to feel relief and peace that this rotten human being has finally been removed from the earth, but I wasn't.  I cried and my heart hurt.  When I regained my composure, I asked my dad some additional questions then realized that it was the brother that has died.  I felt ashamed that I actually felt remorse for the man that abused me for so many years.  I was so angry that my emotions would betray me like that.  I am still trying to deal with what it will be like when he actually dies.  I don't want to feel any emotion for him.  I don't want to waste any of my life energy on him or give him any more power than he has already taken from me.  

Tonight I will me meditating on it and will release his memory into the universe.  I don't want him weighing on my life one second longer.  

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it

Someone said something today that made me smile inside.  She said, "I am in awe of your wife all the time." (She said ti to my husband, whom I work with.)

At the time, I heard it, but never acknowledged it.  I was busy (as is usual).  Now that I have had an opportunity to unwind though, I am honored.  I hope I remember to tell her thank you tomorrow.

It is so important to express to those we admire (for whatever reason) the fact that they inspire us.  It is good for both souls.

It is difficult for women to accept compliments and this year, I have tried very hard to acknowledge compliments and be grateful and appreciative of them and the people giving them.  So many times someone will express how lovely we look and our typical response is "Ugh, I wish I were (insert self depreciating comment here)", or we feel the need to repay the compliment thereby sounding fake and insincere.  This year, I tried to change that in myself.

It took a while to stop the internal recorder and it was very uncomfortable at first, but I learned to say "Thank you" and mean it.  Eventually, I started to believe the compliments!  Wow!  Imagine that!  Try it!  Take the next week and accept each compliment that comes your way without squirming, counter arguing, or feeling obligated to return a compliment.  It is surprising how you will feel.