I miss Fall

I love Fall. Every thing about Fall is wonderful - even the sneezing it induces in me. I just love it. The pumpkins are ripening up and the air is turning cool and crisp. The leaves are turning and everything seems to settle into a clam nap before the Winter.

Right now, my friends are unboxing their light weight sweaters and pulling out their pretty dress boots. They are hanging their jackets by the front door because they will need them in the mornings.

This is the time of making soup and the constant smell of cinnamon and cloves in the house. This is the time that the kids like to snuggle in the evenings because it is just cool enough to feel like you can cuddle forever. This is the time where the flannel jammies come out and the fuzzy slippers. This is the time of high school football games and cool Autumn evenings where everyone is cheering on their team....chanting cheers and jumping up and down screaming until they loose their voice just to help get "Johny" to the in zone. Hats and gloves and blankets sit in the back seat or the trunk of cars ready for next Friday night's game and hot chocolate is sold at the concession stand.......

I love fall.

It was 89 this morning at 7 am and 109 this afternoon when I drove home at 3:30. Fall doesn't come here. It turns into a mild summer here, but not Fall.

I always get so sad this time of year and this is when it is most difficult or me to deal with being here. The pangs of home sickness kick in full throttle right about now every year and I spend my days longing to hear the rustling of the yellowed leaves on the trees.

If you know me and come into contact with me over the next few weeks, please forgive me. I am just not myself this time of year.

I really miss Fall.

Back to the basics

I started this blog four years ago to work through my mixed up feeling about moving here to the Middle East. We've been here almost four years and I can't even remember what my initial feelings were when we got here.

I have grown a lot since being here and I am a completely changed person. I remember that I used to be afraid to speak up for myself and stand up to anyone. Living here has brought out the more aggressive woman in me because now, if you try to skip the queue in front of me, I will let you know that you are mistaken and you need to step back.

I am still a friendly and happy person. I still smile at everyone. It irritates me to no end when I get that "down the nose" stare with the eye rolling from some of the covered women though. I am still absolutely awestruck when I am greeted with that "I am a million time better than you" attitude that seems to be the underlying attitude of some of these women. I don't get it really.

My four years here have taught me that home is where you make it. I have learned that you can make a life anywhere and it all depends on your attitude. If you take yourself out of your comfort zone and keep an open mind, keep smiling and finding the beauty in your life, it doesn't matter where you are. I have learned that there are certain aspects of other cultures that do and always will confuse me and I am OK with that. I have also learned that just one friendly word to the right person here and you have made a friend for life. It thrills me to no end when one of the local girls asks if we can have coffee or comes to my office for a visit. It is so wonderfully refreshing to see the hopefulness and determination in their eyes.

Life here is privileged. I often say that living here is like living at home but with a bigger house and a better view. I don't have to wear a head cover and I can drive (of course, if you ask my husband, he may argue with that last statement). I do have to get my husband's permission to do certain things and have to have a written note of support from him sometimes. This is not really a big deal to me though because we make big decisions as a team, so I would always talk to him about whatever it is I need anyway. I have my own bank account, own my own vehicle and can dress as I wish.

AAAHHHH...dress code. Well, the most common question I get is "What can I wear?" My answer is always that you can wear whatever you want, but keep in mind that this is a Muslim country and while you may go out in t-shirt and shorts, it is not common here, so you may be made to feel uncomfortable. I keep a mind to be respectful while still trying to express my fashion personality. I always wear an undershirt so not to show cleavage. I do not wear short skirts - I wouldn't anyway though because I am a 35 year old mother of three, I have no business wearing a short skirt. Sleeveless and spaghetti strap is fine if you don't mind catching cold from the air con in the buildings, but again, it is not the norm here, so you will be made to feel uncomfortable. The simple solution is to wear an undershirt or take along a wrap or jacket. The key is to blend in with your surroundings. The one single thing that irritates me about trying to dress here is the SHOES. They are obsessed with shoes here, which is unusual because you can not find a decent pair of shoes in this entire country! You are either stuck with having to take out a loan to buy the designer shoes (which are usually spike heeled and shiny - I HATE shiny shoes) or you get cheap plastic crap shoes that might look cute but will fall apart after 2 wears. The shoes people! I hate the shoes here! Oh, and the hand bags. Seriously. Buckles, lame’ and patent leather? Are you for real? Not to mention that you can't find a normal sized hand bag. They all look like over night bags that Liberachi would carry to his last Vegas show. It's terrible. But I digress.......

I love the desert - hate the heat. There is nothing more beautiful than the sun setting over the gigantic sand dunes as the call to prayer reminds us that another day has passed and we have so much to be thankful for. The driving is a bit hectic and scary. All those years of my mom's defensive driving lessons have come into play here. Thank goodness my mom was a driver's education teacher! I struggle with language and the different versions of English that are used here. The grocery stores are adequate and life is pretty normal. I don't know. I feel at home. I am comfortable. I wish my family and friends were closer, but even if we were in the US, I wouldn't see them any more than I do now. I miss having four seasons. There is no fix for this problem. The best we can do is leave during the peak summer heat and hope that the cooler weather will arrive soon after we get back. The cooler months provide days and days of amusement when you see everyone in parkas in 60 degree (Fahrenheit) temperatures though! This still makes me chuckle.

The local people are friendly almost to a fault, if you give them a chance. The third world workers can be a bit jarring, but a lot of them are just lonely and awestruck (or maybe disgusted) by a blue eyed, fair skinned red headed westerner. It can be a bit discerning when every man you pass stares a hole through you as if you were a prostitute in front of a Mormon church. But really, it is no different than being a white woman walking through any area of downtown America that is frequented by minorities (only here I can't tell them to "F off"). I've learned to not make eye contact and to just be on with my business. OK, so sometimes when I am feeling a bit honery, I pull out my phone and pretend to take their photo. They usually stop looking when I do that.

This is kind of long winded and so jumpy. Sorry. There is so much I wish I could say but I am just having a very difficult time putting it to words. It is like the book "A New Earth" where the Arthur writes about how we use the vowel "I" to try and describe what makes us and how that one little letter just can't possibly describe the being within. That is how I feel about this place.

Don't get me wrong, it is not all roses and bad shoes. I have really bad days where I would love nothing more than to pick my window seat and head for home, but those days are out numbered by the good days. That is what makes it worth while. When the day comes that I am begging to go home that is when I will go home. For now, I am just thankful for this opportunity to be here and to get to know about life here. I wish I had more time to visit more often and really experience a more genuine local life here. Unfortunately, I have to pay for that vehicle that I purchased in my name......... (Incidentally, I was the FIRST female to purchase my own vehicle from the dealership I used. I got a discount because of it! It was awesome!)

Back to the grind

We've just returned from the most relaxing and wonderful vacation ever and now I am back, sitting at my desk, wishing I were somewhere else.

Why is it that I firmly believe that if you are not happy, you need to make a change to get closer to your own happiness, but I just can't seem to bring myself to quit this job? I can tell you why.

I LOVE the people I work with. LOVE them. I could not have hand picked a better group of people to spend my days with. They are genuine, funny, smart and caring and I really enjoy being around them. I also LOVE my pay check. I know it is small and petty of me, but I do. I love to get paid. This is the first job where I actually feel like I am being paid fairy for the work I do.

I just dislike my hours and I dislike the ups and downs here at this job. I have been toying with the idea of reducing my hours (and pay) to a 30 hour work week, but I am a supervisor, but I am having this really big internal morality fight with myself over it. I am really good at my job and I know I could produce 40 hours of work in 30 hours. I have absolutely no problem bringing it all to the table when it is needed. I don't know. I think I really need to sit down with HR and my manager and have a serious long talk about this. I think it would be beneficial to all of us if I could somehow pull this off. I just don't want there to be any animosity with my team or the other teams because I leave early every day.

Ho hum.....

Stir Crazy and the Storm Front

I’ve been having these almost panicky feelings for about a year now and I can’t help but feel something is about to burst. I am scratching at the walls trying to escape this little box I feel like I have been trapped in. I flip flop between making rash decisions and holding back for the right opportunity; all the while I am drowning myself in what I think is misery because of this weird uneasy feeling I have about myself. I think I hate my job, but I’ve never had a job I loved, so I have no idea what that feeling is. I also have no idea what would make me happy to work. I do know, however that I am not a stay-at-home mom type. Been there, tried that and really did not enjoy it. I know that I do not like working a full day though but I do like getting paid for a full day….. Conundrum.

I’ve read too many inspirational, life changing books which might be part of the reason I am feeling this way. I’ve faced one of my biggest fears and it felt absolutely awesome. I want more. I want to throw caution to the wind and quit my job and become a free spirit making jewelry and flower arrangements. I want to go organic, install solar panels on my roof and reduce my carbon footprint. I want to learn to skate board and surf! I want to be able to wear black fingernail polish without someone asking me if I worship the devil or being called “haram” (Arabic for forbidden) . I want to wear a sleeveless summer dress without everyone staring at me (because heaven forbid your eyes should fall upon bare shoulders). I want to listen to my music too loud and smoke in public without being judged by every single damn person who sees me. I want to walk around the mall with my absolutely awesome son and his 4 inch high Mohawk without everyone looking at us like we are a circus act.

Maybe since I didn’t really rebel when I was a child, my internal teenager is trying to break free now? I don’t know. What I do know is I would love nothing more than to dye the tips of my hair cool-aid red, get about 4 more tattoos in unhidden places, own some black lipstick and paint skulls on the side of my big black government looking momburban. On the flip side, I want to move to the beach, wear my bathing suit all day long and dive and surf all the time. The question is; would I still feel this way if I weren’t here? Is this what I should have gone through 15 years ago, or is this a direct result of living in a conservative and traditional country that revolves around religion (an institution I do not necessarily subscribe to).

OK, so I do take some things and down size them so I can express myself more subtly. I have a stuffed Jack skull from The Nightmare before Christmas hanging from the rear view mirror of my truck. I painted my nails black last night. I get henna tattoos in strange places every opportunity I get. I cuss. Most of my t-shirts have skulls on them and I listen to Marylin Manson sometimes. OK, so I might look like a poser to one of those teen agers/twenty somethings who are free to express themselves at their own leisure, but damn!

Anyone who grew up with me knows that I have had little, if any, opportunity to express myself in any way shape or form because my father had an idea of what kind of a girl I should be and so, I wore a lot of dresses and I had framed art work up on my bed room walls. It wasn’t bad, really. My father has excellent taste and I was frequently complimented fro my wardrobe. I think it is catching up with me now though. It is kind of a little late. I mean, you really don’t want to be going through a phase like this when you are 35. Or maybe you do.

Sometimes this life gets to me

I spend my days at work wishing I were someplace else. I spend my weekends at home busy running from here to there and dreading Sunday morning.

I need a vacation.